Tottenham Court Road

Some days your wishes of being dead are stronger than others. This was one of these days. I woke up in the morning without any reason to be alive, I stared at the roof and thought that nothing had any meaning at all and meditated about the absurdity of life and the universe. Suddenly I fancied to check my e-mail and facebook to see what was going on in my city.

I walked to the public library to use one of the old computers they had over there. The things that I saw were all about the death of my grandmother. I didn't really care about her but the atmosphere of death overwhelmed me. I don't know if it was a panic attack or anxiety but I couldn't move and breath well. I decided to leave London. I needed to walk and breath fresh air but I also needed to speak with someone. I needed to meet Bruna.

My phone was broken so I was unable to call her. My only option was to send her a facebook message. It was something like this: "Hi Bruna, How are you? What are you doing these days? I'm leaving London tomorrow and I need to meet you. My phone is broken so I can't call you, but if you see this message meet me at Tottenham Court Road today at 7. Right under Freddie Mercury. Hope you see this message. Cheers"

I walked through many streets and alleys of north and central London, trying to find the longest way. People were strangely happy and noisy. Drunk perhaps. It was making me more and more uncomfortable. I can't stand other people's happiness. I was feeling sick, I was hungry but I wanted to throw up. My stomach was killing me and my eyes were hurting.

It was quarter to seven when I arrived to Tottenham Court Road. I went to Sainsbury, to buy a Foster's. It seemed to be the only thing I used to bought. I stood right under Freddie Mercury statue and I started to see every face that crossed over the place. I was thinking that none of these lives were important at all. Everyone were so absurd and insignificant! 

I saw the clock and it was more than eight. I felt desperate. I wanted to see her at least once before I leave London but it was clear that she was not coming. I spend some time thinking of the reasons why she didn't come. Did she saw the message? Did she wanted to meet me? Thinking about her and her absence almost made me forget about the other's happiness and the noise, but it came back to me. Fuck! What was all this about? It is not possible for one to plunge into existencial shit in peace?

There was a homeless and his dog near to me so I asked him what was happening. He answered to me and then I understood why Bruna wasn't there: "It's New Year's Eve, mate!"